Lost love...

Maybe it's because I am drunk from being my friend's liquor buddy... or maybe the mood is just right today...Whatever it is, I am going to rant about some personal stuff...

I have fallen in love many many times before in my lifetime, some are unrequited and some... well, let's just say that I rather they remain unrequited...

I admit, there was a time that I did betray the heart of a girl, but that was a long time ago, when I was still young and foolish. I regretted my actions, it was not much, just a white lie... but it did break someone's heart and that is that.

Thinking about it, there was another girl that I loved, but I refused to step into a relationship with her because I knew I was not ready. In fact, she tried to start a relationship but I did not accept her advances. Haha... that action, which was meant to be a responsible one, led her to be in a relationship with another guy two years down the road. That would be an acceptable ending if not for the fact that he made her pregnant, made her go through an abortion, scolded her bitch and slut, and all these resulted in her suicide. She died in my arms. I'll never forget that feeling, the feeling of her life-force slipping away. It was a horrible sensation, one that I hope no other living soul would experience. She was my best friend, the only person that I could talk about anything with. I let the chance pass but I have no regrets.

There was this other girl that again, initiated a relationship with me. I took the chance and I tried to be true to my heart. I loved her as much as I loved anyone. She took my innermost thoughts and left. Why? Because she felt that logically we could not be together. She sited my bad habits as reasons, but she knew I had them before we were together. She sited my family background as another reason, and the irony is that she knew so much only because I was honest. She even sited her study trip to Australia as a reason. The sad thing is that she knew she'll be going when we got together. All this happened a month before she left. A week before she left, she came into my favourite hangout and asked me if I still loved her. I should have lied. I didn't and we went out as a couple the next day. That was the last time I saw her before she left. We talked on the phone and all she could tell me is that she has to meet many of her friends before her trip and she has no time for me. She still tells me that she misses me when she flew over initially but I think it was all bullshit...

I am going to talk about this other girl, who gave me many theories and ideals on how a couple should be like. Her thoughts coincide with mine. I thought we were a pair made in heaven. She later told me that she has another boyfriend, and that he treated her like shit. She entered into a relationship with me because she wanted to feel what it feels like to be with someone who actually cared for her and attended to her needs. She said that she enjoyed the time we had but she also said she never loved me. She entered into this relationship just for fun. Apparently, she was two-timing me but she broke off with him first, then me... as though that will really be a consolation...

Even if I do meet the girl, I guess I will have no guts to admit it or even do anything about it, I guess I am scared.... haha... coward... bleah...

For most of my life, I only wanted to find someone that I can build a family with. It's my motivation in life as well as the ultimate goal that I wish to measure my life with. It seems that I am fighting a losing battle. People in my generation, in general, seem to have different concepts about relationships and what is important when in one. Still, I will not give up... I fought many losing battles and I've won many of them so far. I had my losses but hey, they were worth it. I just hope that at the end of my life, I won't regret fighting for this dream of mine.

Good night... to the people who actually bother reading this... and good luck to you all in whatever you wish for...